Not again

This pond situation is getting pretty tiresome. Every morning there has been an issue with the pump/fountain. Every morning I reach in and fix think I fix it. Yesterday it was the same only this time when I returned home there it was again...fallen and it could not get up. This time I was prepared. I had made my mind up in the morning to come home early so that I could clean the water at least a little. As it happened the water was already low so I thought okay this will work. Task one was to shut the power so the fountain when I lifted...again...from the depts. of the murky water would not spray me. So far so good. Next I prepared a container to hold the fish once taken from the water. What was I thinking?! The fish are about 15 inches and I have no net. How about scooping them out? Okay, I caught the white one but the flimsy container was about to spill and I lost my balance and just made it to the bigger container to plop the fish in. So, I am soaking wet and sitting in a small puddle of water. Plan B because for sure plan A did not work. Wet-vac out the water like Denny does and leave the remaining 2 fish in the water. The garden received the water and now to refill the pond to the proper level. Oh, and add the white fish back in.....success and he almost was knocked out by the plunge....I will check on them at daybreak. It is only 3 AM and dark out there. The water still needs to be cleaned and that will be a little removed each day and hopefully the pump/fountain will remain in place. Did I mention the brick and rock display that has been sitting in there for years has fallen? Guess it was not a good idea to use it to lean on. (Note to self...find someone who knows how to clean ponds....) Yesterday at Hospice was a quiet day. Small changes with Denny. Again they tell me this is hour to hour....again I sit and make small talk about the cooking show that we always watch, and the art/painting show and the this and that. It is difficult to watch and wait and chat but I do it nevertheless. They no longer use the port for meds but now directly inject. They reposition him and keep him comfortable...as possible... and I sit helpless to make things okay. It is not about me...it is about Denny.... and we thank you for the loving and caring kind words you send. I tell him of the cards and emails......you help to keep me strong. My sister sent me an Alex & Ani bracelet with a Wonder Woman charm....I will were it every day while sitting with Denny to remind me to be strong. Your friendship has encouraged me so much. So, another day will soon begin for me and Denny....what will it bring is a mystery, but we are in this together right to the end.................

You should have waited.....

Yesterday when I came home I decided it was time to change the water in the aquarium...even for the one remaining tenant.....so, I began to take out the water and of course it somehow was all about me...the rug and me. Okay, take a deep breath and now I needed to empty more than planned so I could move this 10 gallon lake so I could wipe up all the water. Out came the fish and I will say he did not seem too happy. Finally got that all set and remembered to treat the water. In my head I could hear Mr H saying..."you should have waited for me". Then to do some laundry. I now needed to eat. It seemed that the evening would progress better when I decided to get something from the closet top shelf. I opened the 3 step ladder and missed the first step. I could hear Mr H...." you should have waited for me". Luckily I caught my balance and no harm done.  This morning after a restless night I thought to check the pond...where did the fountain go....why is it I have to stick my hands up to my elbow in this nasty place. I found the pump and fountain and proceeded to set it back in place and you guessed it. I took not only a shower but a shampoo without the shampoo. I could hear Mr H ... "you should have waited for me". I did want to wait....I so wanted to have you do these tasks....but you are not here and I am waiting....I will sit with you again today and we will hold hands and I will chat and I will wait...for you.

Holding hands

Denny and I held hands on our wedding day. Such a happy day.  A new start of our life together. We have been holding hands all these years.  Sometimes in need of support but most of the time because ....just because. This morning when the telephone rang around 7 am, I welcomed the interruption.  I  have been unsuccessful in assembling my Ott light back into the floor stand. I saw The Brother Alan was calling and thought he was checking up on me already......just left yesterday! No, the Hospice center called him to say that Denny is not doing well. Time is limited. So.....here I sit once again holding hands. This time because I  am waiting for my Dennis to say good-bye.

It's Just one Breath

As I finish packing to return home this morning, I would like to reflect on something

A breath...

A human breaths
16 / minute
960 / hour
23,040 / day
8,409,600 / year

Grace and I have accomplished quite a bit this week, as I prepare to leave I reflect, everything done was already thought through, I accompanied her several places, but mostly kept her company. Remarkable strength for someone who is facing death, loss of a spouse and best friend.

Many believe she was incapable because Dennis did so much for her, but we all fail to realize what she has done for Dennis for 47 years.

Sure we chuckled at her posts about not pumping gas, of not cooking much, Denny this Denny that, what she did not post was her contribution to this institution of marriage, friendship and partnership.

We laughed a bit, kept comfortable silence as we visited but most importantly we waited.

So as I pack and await my ride to the airport, I came to Arizona to wait for one breath, Dennis Horton's last.

He has not taken it yet, so now I will wait for a phone call of Dennis's last breath.

Thanks for stopping by.... until I return

Alan